Thinking Shrinks
When I’m depressed, my world gets smaller. The plans I made when I was high now feel ridiculous, and all the big ideas disappear. So I don’t aim far. I aim near.
Back in October, when my hypomania started, my imagination exploded with ideas, and creativity flowed in a raging torrent. I wrote a social media and branding strategy, bought the domain domauton.com and subscribed to a plethora of software trials.
I was convinced that my lived experience was an invaluable resource that would propel me into being a bipolar coach.
Everything I saw was a sign that I would be a roaring success. A new contact with the same surname as another, or an event that was a perfect training opportunity to hone my skills.
I started Tai Chi to help me prepare my physique, returned to meditating, and vigorous daily exercise to help ready myself for a new me; better, faster and stronger.
I reconnected with dozens of contacts on LinkedIn, all of whom would be instrumental in helping my business grow exponentially. I marked a select group as favourites, calling them ‘My Virtual Helpers’.
For three months, I threw myself into this new and exciting version of myself, a surefire winner.
I could go on, and on; my Star Wars themed notebook that represented “My New Hope” or the David Bowie tattoo I was going to get that proclaimed “Religion is for people who are afraid of hell. Spiritually is for people who have been there.” The list is endless, and those of you who’ve experienced mania will no doubt relate to it and chuckle to themselves about their own similar plans when high.
In early February, I was so exhausted that I contacted my psychiatrist and asked for an increase in my medication to help calm me down. She advised me to take a break, telling me that my relentless focus on my business plans was not good for me.
On 9th February, I retreated to the Derbyshire hills for a month to decompress.
Over those three months, I spent endlessly equipping my motorhome with “essential” household items, subscribing to various apps and services and even buying a freezer full of ground coffee, which now sits largely unused as a reminder that I only need to buy one at a time!
It all seems pointless now, my grand plan is in tatters, and my body is worn out from the relentless activities I pursued.
I’m living from day to day, focusing on diet, rest and exercise. My plans have all but ground to a halt, but there’s light at the end of this dark and ominous tunnel.
I’m focused on the positives from that frenetic period; my motorhome is now well-equipped for the tour of Europe I’m planning for my retirement. Those connections I re-established are still there, ready for a slower-paced, more sustainable re-invention of myself.
Determined not to let The Black Dog control my future, I’ve set myself some achievable milestones for the future.
I’m drawing strength and motivation from people around me who’ve overcome extreme events in their lives and have found a new purpose.
A dear friend is launching a new podcast called Best Life Podcast https://www.instagram.com/best.lifepodcast/. The people he’s featuring have all overcome significant challenges in their lives, they’ve all turned what they love into how they live, and now have successful careers.
I love helping others. Whether it’s a stranger struggling with their shopping, clearly in need of a helping hand, or a friend suffering in silence. My first thought is always, “How can I help?”
My focus has moved away from monetising my skillset for retirement to supplement my pension to a more altruistic goal, to developing a comapssionate and selfless framework for supporting those in need.
I’m still working on the details of exactly what this means and how I’ll deliver it, but I’m convinced it’s where my future lies.
I’m eternally grateful to a handful of people who’ve supported me through this turbulent time:
To Sam Gibbs, Shay O’Brien, Brady Collins, and Jason Brown, for your support, advice and guidance. My thanks for listening and always being there when I needed you.
To Paula O’Brien, Annette Clay and Andrew Akal for your ears and ideas for my business plans.
To Rosie Viva for your patience & support, and for sending me a signed copy of your amazing book ‘Completely Normal and Totally Fine’.
The plan is still actually rolling forward and you are posting. So it’s not all ground to a halt. Another great post